I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
