Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize