i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
