Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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