I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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