Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
soo... how was my night?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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