so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I AM VODKA MAN
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
