I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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