I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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