I just saw a hot homeless man
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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