filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I love you.
Bad choice
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
