The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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