my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
