She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
