His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
