3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
