dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
