I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
