im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize