The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
