Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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