when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
3 2 1 whiskey
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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