I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
