I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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