Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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