he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
