Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
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