y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
