Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
