No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
