A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
