This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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