i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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