Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
