I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
