he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
