Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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