Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
