So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
