We're facebook friends in real life
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
