She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
