i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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