Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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