Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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