Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
