Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize