Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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