Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
