So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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