I cockslap morals
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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