he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
