I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
