so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
