If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
