im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
