She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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