Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
