I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize