My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
